It’s been a while since I indulged in some kids cereal.What was I thinking?

Not that I don’t indulge in fast food, cigarettes and coffee cake, but this is, like… totally different (right?). I snagged a monster bag of the generic Cinnamon Toast Crunch last week at Walmart and finally tapped into the bag. The very first bite brought be back in time. For 5 minutes, I was 10 years old in Barrington, New Hampshire. The doors had just opened for school and I had already been to homeroom to drop off my bags. As soon as I had said hello to whoever I was dating (I was a pimp..fo realz), I bee-lined it to the cafeteria for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Chocolate Milk & Cinnamon Dreams

Barrington Middle School served ‘breakfast’. Well… more like the concept of a continental breakfast so poorly executed that I look back in amazement wondering how my young bowels ever survived such abuse. There were muffins that looked like dung stuffed in a baking cup with little bits of squishy dung throughout. I suspect they were raisins but I never had the courage to find out. The watery orange juice was Cisco brand poured in styrofoam cups by weary eyed women with stained aprons.

But amidst the low-lit cafeteria and the scent of rotted cole-slaw mixed and Pine-Sol – there was a mountain of treasure in the form of 3 giant crates of chocolate milk. Even more glorious, the nondescript cardboard boxes filled to brim with cereal. There were rows upon rows of single-serving boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in their own bowls, eager to be slathered with chocolate milk and devoured by a chubby pre-pubescent demon with an empty stomach. I would spend my lunch money on 2 bowls of cereal and 2 cartons of chocolate milk ($.25 in’88). Who needed lunch when you ate so much CTC you barfed if you had Gym first period.

So I’m going to stop writing now and enjoy my cereal. I’m 10 and blogs and the internet and Twitter don’t exist. I’m Little Robby, sitting on a cafeteria bench by myself, in blessed silence – nothing but the noise of mastication and the clink of kitchen drones making the next batch of poison for me and my friends. Thank goodness I’m stuffed with this awesome cereal.

Post-Note – Malt-o-Meal ‘Cinnamon Toasters’ vs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

I was reading Sampa the other day an article referred to the Malt-o-meal’s  Cinnamon Toasters - as ‘an abortion of a cereal‘ – they are not that bad, but they are different. However -  you can get 3 boxes worth of cinnamon crunchy goodness for $0.35 less than the cost of one single box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That’s better than a cinnamon stick in the eye.

I always thought the terrible-twos were a myth, a tale told to sex-starved teens to keep them from going at it unprotected.

That, indeed, is not the case. For a stressed out parent, there’s nothing more reassuring than your 2 year old saying “That’s disgusting” when you give her a kiss, or “Leave me alone” when you play with her. There’s nothing that says “I love you daddy” than a kick to the testes at 2 am when she doesn’t want to move over and make room for her dad. Nothing says “You’re the best” like yelling at you for not producing the proper color Popsicle, no matter what color it may be.

So I thought I would write this for her benefit – say 15 years down the road. You are adorable, and I love you but you are a pill. A giant, loud, ornery, pain in the butt. You’re grounded.

“This is what they eat in Heaven”, I murmured aloud through a mouthful of butter and red meat and cheese.

Aside from the grease dripping down my face and the guilt that goes along with being a fat man eating shit like this… I was, for 5 short minutes, in heaven.

Want to make one for yourself? Here’s How.

1. Make A Grilled Cheese.
2. Make Another Grilled Cheese
3. Grill up a burger
4. Stick it between the grilled cheese sandwiches.
5. Enjoy!

Nutrition Information

Fat: 2357 Grams
Calories: 14905